It's a Life Changer

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June 11, 2009. I'll always remember that day. I was about 23 weeks pregnant with my first baby--a girl. God had blessed me. That day my mom came over and after getting her belly rubs in she told me I had to go back to the doctor to talk about some tests. I made the appointment and later that day I made my way there. I sat on the table joyfully kicking my legs and enjoying the fact that my feet had almost disappeared below my belly. Then the midwife came in. I had met her before, a short white woman with blond curly hair and glasses, she was very nice. She didn't waste any time getting to the point, "Your HIV test came back positive." I felt like I was in a movie, like, what did she just say?

At first it wasn't real to me, but I cried anyway. As she kept talking, I kept crying more and more. I thought, "I'm going to die, I'm nasty," and the thing that got me going was thinking, "My baby! What about my baby?"

Well it was not easy for her to calm me down. I stayed there for three hours crying and crying. Then the worst part came to my mind, "What do I tell my boyfriend, he'll kill me!" I had good reason to think that way seeing as we had been having problems with him beating on me from time to time. But since the news of the baby he was being nice and there was no hitting. So now I was stuck, I couldn't even think where to go. It was crazy to think this was happening to me.

I made my way home. I sat him down and told him, "Baby, the doctors said I have HIV." I closed my eyes, thinking he'd attack me, but he just said, "Baby it is okay. They will find a cure and you'll be fine." Later on I told him he should get tested, but he refused.

That night he slept in the bed with me and held my belly, but soon I started to think, "I have been tested before and as a matter of fact one month before I met my boyfriend." I asked him, "Have you ever been tested?" and he said no. I kept digging. I made appointments and asked questions and I got passive answers. Then one day my doctor sat down and looked me right in the eye and said " HONEY, IT WAS HIM, TRUST ME, STOP BLAMING YOURSELF." I went home and started comparing symptoms of HIV infection with my boyfriend. He had many of the symptoms He has AIDS, I thought. I knew it, but he blamed me.

He knew. He knew he had HIV and still he slept with me and never told me anything. I was hurt. Abuse plus HIV. I couldn't deal with it and I left him. He's in jail now for punching me in my head and giving me a black eye. But now his words ring in my head, "No one will want you and your sick baby! No one will want you taking all those meds." Is that true? I feel like it is. I want to have sex so bad, but I don't want to make anyone sick. Men like me, but then I don't know if when I tell them what they will think. My story ends here but it's still ongoing. I would like help if anyone can offer it.

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